I felt that I would experience motherhood at a special place on a hill in South America, 4 years before Augustas was born. From that moment, everything happened as it was supposed to. Sometimes I felt that some things leading to his birth were happening too slow and sometimes way too fast. In order for this soul to come into our lives, we had to move to New Zealand and then give birth in Bali.
We relocated from New Zealand to Bali 2 months before the birth. My husband, Arturas, took this time off from work and we settled down in a small house with a pool in the Island of Gods. We enjoyed delicious local food, warm weather, friendly Balinese people and calmly waited to meet Augustas. Ganesha’s support followed us from the beginning and it was so great seeing the abundance of his statues in Bali. I knew that I will give birth naturally either at home or at a clinic which advocates for a natural birth. We received some information about a local clinic which values matched ours. Moreover, we also met our doula there and her support was invaluable.
And so it started…
I woke up around 5am due to a light ache in my belly. I knew that it was a beginning and I felt very quiet. I just knew that we would meet very soon and decided to continue sleeping and give Arturas time to rest. Every morning we had the same things: fresh papayas, oatmeal with dates, sesame seeds and peanut butter, but this time it felt different. It was a strange feeling overall, I felt slow, everything I did was slower than usual, thinking, moving around, almost like taking time to experience every moment in full. I felt like I had a secret which no one saw or knew about. But there were special processes within me – the little one was coming into this world.
All this continued till the evening and once contractions became more regular we drove to the clinic. It was around 12 or 1 am. I only remember that I felt very uncomfortable in the car, and there were lots of dogs out in the street. Our doula Sydne and a local midwife met us at the clinic. Arturas took our things to the birthing room and I stayed in the beautiful courtyard; it was so quiet and peaceful, I could only hear frogs croaking. I felt peace, liveliness and the power of life and nature within that sound. I looked around – it was so beautiful.
I felt very optimistic however quite a long process followed afterwards. Waves intensified, I spent majority of my time on a gym ball. It was becoming hard to breathe and relax and I noticed that it was becoming harder and harder to use hypnobirthing method. Sometimes I strained so much from the pain that my muscles felt sore afterwards. I couldn’t manage my breath and sometimes I even roared like a tigress. During the times of such intensity, I remembered the videos of women giving birth using hypnobirthing techniques, they didn’t even flinch during the waves and I wondered how was that possible. It seemed to me that I failed and I was not able to use the lessons which I’ve learned. What was happening to me was so much more powerful than me. I had thoughts of wanting to be released from my body, that it was too much to bear but I realized that all of that was just mind games, those were just thoughts, they were not real and they were not useful to me. I came to the present, where I had to be. I spoke with the baby, I asked him to come, I caressed my belly and said to him that we will meet soon, that he is doing great.
At some point in time, the midwife suggested to check my cervix again – it was 5cm. Another wave of thoughts rushed through my mind – this can’t be real, We’ve been here almost the whole night l and I thought that the birth will happen soon. I pushed away these thoughts as soon as I could, and decided to do something as this could continue any longer. Then I had an enlightenment. I noticed that there is a tension and resistance. What if I could just surrender to the process, surrender to the pain. I thought about my baby and that everything that I need is to fully feel this moment, dive into the pain and merge with what was happening. The essence is that we are here in a present moment and that we’re alive. I relaxed more and more and everything changed…
“What was happening to me was so much more powerful than me”
I felt deep within myself.
Everything else seemed distant: I heard Ibu Robin’s voice and I felt more people in the room, people were talking in Balinese, someone was asking Arturas about things, but all of that didn’t matter to me. Robin came to say hi and she asked whether I wouldn’t mind if another doula – Debra, who came to Bali to train other doulas, could join us. I didn’t mind. In my mind I thought that the more divine support – the better, I thought let the crowd of fantastic people, deities, souls and spirits come to support me. Shortly, the water sack broke and I felt warm water rushing through my thighs, it felt good. Quite a lot of water came out with the next set of waves, Robin said that I got 10 points for the clearness and quantity of it. I guess fresh coconut water helped with that, as I had it almost daily.
During the next wave I started to push, but it was very hard. I was resting against Arturas chest while he held me in his arms during the last ours of the birth.
It felt good, but it was still hard to push. Other midwives helped me with massaging certain points near my knees and held my legs so that it would be easier for me. This whole time I felt Arturas’ presence, care and his endless support. Debra offered to take some images and videos, that is why we now have this beautiful birth video.
I concentrated during each wave and was hoping that it was the last one, but I had to repeat it again and again. I thought that I was roaring so loud that every person on this island could hear me. I tried not to do that, I just couldn’t. I felt so much power in this roar, in my body. I felt the power with which this little body was trying to come into this world. During each wave, midwives welcomed the baby by singing Gayatri mantra. Probably around 10 people were in the room during Augustas’ birth and I loved it, I felt their support. After a few hours, I felt that Augustas’ warm head came out. I felt that I ruptured but I didn’t mind, it was almost pleasant, such a relief. The shape of his head was interesting, a bit pointy in one place. I put my hands on it, he was blinking and tried looking at me. This was the moment when everything seemed to stop, I couldn’t believe that he was already here. This little miracle has finally come to us. Arturas and I couldn’t believe he looked so big. His whole body came out in the next few waves. I felt that I wasn’t doing anything at all and that our bodies took care of everything without any effort. And so the little one was here, so beautiful, so perfect, so close to us. Midwives helped me to put him on my chest, it was a wonderful feeling. The little one was wet, a bit bloody but so soft. I asked to move him closer to my face as I wanted to kiss him so badly.
To tell you the truth, there are no words that could convey the experience of a birth.
It is very intense and transformational. Meeting with a new life is so pure and magic. Such a majestic harmony and acceptance that it is so easy to just be here and now and just love and be thankful for everything.
I’m grateful for my huband’s support, devotion, for being together, for his love, care and faith in me and in little Augustas that he chose to come to us.